Autism Spectrum Disorder 101: The Way We Communicate

We all talk to others in our own special way—our speech plays a big role in who we are—but when you compare the neurodivergent ways of talking to the neurotypical ways of talking, you may notice some differences. The thing is, neurodivergents often find it really hard to talk, and for autistics, who are even more drastically different than "normal" people, the way they talk may be more different than we realize. But how?

1) Be Sure You're Maneuvering Your Body Correctly

Many autistics are masking when they interact with others. What this means is that they aren't going to be showing their natural self. For those who have flat affect (essentially a perpetually flat expression), they're going to be faking expressions as much as they can, and for those who have a flat tone of voice, they're going to be faking intonation. For those who don't naturally do certain body movements to reflect how they're feeling, they're going to have to fake that. All this faking is called "masking," because they're "masking" their natural responses.

But in order to do this, they have to constantly monitor their tone of voice and body language and compare it to that of the person they're talking to. They're trying to do and/or say the "correct" thing. What people often don't realize is that all this attention takes a lot of energy, even when it's just a short conversation.

In addition to this, sometimes we unintentionally cross lines when we're trying to show our emotions. We may get too close to a person—intruding on their personal boundaries—or we may display the wrong expression for an emotion. All we can do is our best, but we know that, at times, our best isn't good enough.

Our inability to know when we've crossed lines frustrates people, if it doesn't outright infuriate them, which leads into my next point.

2) You Fear That You'll Mess Up

We all fear messing up, but when you're constantly faulted for being who you are, it can only feel worse and worse as it just. keeps. happening. You might start constantly replaying your conversations in your head, wondering if you said or did the right thing. Maybe you'll think that you did something "wrong" or "strangely," when really, you didn't. Often, autistics are just so used to being the odd one out that as soon as someone finds fault with what they've done, they assume that it's their own inability that's at fault, not perhaps the other person's interpretation of their naïve attempt at communication.

Autistics are forced to copy what they see. That's all they have to learn by. It's a long, painful journey of trial and error. There's no way for us to know when we aren't doing something right unless someone tells us, and when someone does, they're fairly nasty about it. And as for when you've done something good? Well, it's good until someone comments on it.

3) Ahh, Rapid Energy Consumption

So, all that energy that you're already putting into the first two points? Yeah, that's gonna come back and bite you. All that energy is now gone and when you go back later, the rest of it might be sapped by just thinking about the interaction. Autistics can often seem like the most intense version of introvert because of how drained they often are by a simple social interaction.

4) Don't Forget Being Overwhelmed and/or Distracted

Autistics also tend to notice a lot of the things around them. So while they're conversing, they might have a hard time focusing on the other person. This isn't because they aren't trying. Some autistics are much more sensitive than your average neurotypical and as such, they notice a lot more and it takes up more of their attention.

Especially when you're in a crowded room with multiple people talking, it can be hard for an autistic to really engage in a conversation. As soon as the conversations overlap each other, it can be overwhelming. And if you're in a conversation that seems to be taking multiple directions at once? Forget it. Unless the autistic is consciously trying to stay in the conversation they're most likely going to end up withdrawing.

5) Oh, Oh! And That Voice in Your Head!

Our thoughts can be the biggest issue, which makes the fact that it still falls in the 5th place on this list almost laughable. So many of us autistics practically live in our own heads, which really isn't fun when you get trapped with a bunch of thoughts like:

"What is she trying to tell me?"

"I should smile. Am I smiling?"

"Am I making enough eye contact?"

"There's too much noise. It hurts."

"Am I giving too much information or too little?"

"Wait, is it my turn to speak?"

"I don't know what to say."

"Do they think I'm weird?"

"I don't fit in."

"I think they're bored. I'm uninteresting."

"What are the appropriate physical gestures?"

"Oh, I'm the worst at this..."

6) Let's Turn It Into An Impending Anxiety Attack

Some autistics were unfortunate enough to have an anxiety disorder along with being autistic, which can make this next point a million times worse. Even those without an anxiety disorder, this can happen to anyone.

When we're in social situations, often autistics will (whether by choice or bc forced) suppress stims. Stims comfort us. They help regulate our attention, our emotions, they ground us, etc. But for others, they may be weird or annoying, so they ask for us to stop. So now that we're using all of our energy to push past all these other things, we lose our ability to calm ourselves down, resulting in our anxiety creeping up and up and up and up and up until you just shatter.

As many times as someone will tell you, "There's no correct way to navigate a social situation," there is a correct way. And often, the people telling us that there's no correct way are the same people who are telling us we're doing it wrong. Which not only is really painful, but it's also really confusing.

This build up of the fear of messing up and our own anxiety and our lack of energy to fend off the fears and anxiety ends up growing until it gives us an anxiety attack.

7) And Then The Personal Mantra

This could just be a me thing, but I've also heard of other people having their own internal mantras that run through their heads in different situations. I, as an autistic, am not different in this. But my mantra runs through my head in social situations and honestly? It hurts more than it helps.

Don't be awkward. Act confident, you've got this. You're normal, you've done this before. You know how to do this. Just keep the smile on your face, you're fine. Everything is fine. Hi, person! I totally like you, even though I've never met you in my life. I'm not scared, I'm not panicking, I am not dying inside. I am fine.

Don't be awkward. Act confident. Just. Do. The thing.

Most of the time, the thoughts that stress us out the most are disguised as encouragement but holds an underlying threat. And in this case, the threat might be: "If you don't do what I say, bad things will happen to you."

It's different than just thinking things about others and wondering if you did something wrong. It's the same thing every. single. time.

8) "Don't Look At Me!"

Autistics aren't known to be the best with eye contact. Many of us hate to maintain it—a good portion of us hate to look anyone in the eyes—and most of us feel uncomfortable when others look at them for any long period of time—or even short periods of time. For a group of people who have trouble reading facial expressions and intonations, it's a fear-inducing mystery that we see whenever a new emotion crosses your face.

Personally, eyes to me are what I call "pretty orbs of color." Eyes are pretty, but they hold no meaning to me. I see the difference between life and death in eyes but I see no emotions. There is no point for me to look in someone's eyes except for the fact that social rules state that I have to. But then I'm flooded with worries that I'm misinterpreting whatever I manage to understand about their expressions.

9) Please Don't Let Me Infodump

Most autistics have a special interest. Some of us are in-between special interests for long periods of time, some of us have multiple special interests, and others are sucked into one activity. All. The. Time. But when we're so focused on something, it tends to just pop out of us in conversation.

"Hi, how're you?"

"I'm GREAT!! I got to spend all day organizing my inhumane collection of unused notebooks!"

If that doesn't out you as a weirdo, I don't know what will.

Because of this habit, a lot of autistics are scared of saying something about their special interest in conversation, because they don't want to suddenly monopolize the whole conversation talking about their collection of unused notebooks or the fact that they love looking at people's receipts to see what kind of eccentricities they bought all at once. Autistics learn early on that your special interest sometimes isn't the best way to gain friends.

10) I'd Rather Just Be With An Animal

Many autistics (myself included) seem to relate more to nature and other animals than we do to humans. My personal belief is that we can understand them better. I talk to my dog and my cats much more easily than I do to anyone else. I've even said a few things to our frogs and snails, who will never say anything back to me. But as soon as you put me in front of a person? Oh no, what do I say? What if I'm weird?

So There You Have It - How Do You Feel?

I'm curious as to how many of you knew just how much effort goes into an autistic having a single conversation. Before you ask why we hole ourselves away after helping you unpack a bunch of groceries, maybe think about how much we talked to you about the things we got from the store.

And most importantly, before you just assume that we can handle a bunch of events within the span of a few hours, just because we have the time on our calendars, think again! Autistics are more fragile than you may think. We're resilient when we have to be, but it hurts, so if it's at all possible for us to have some rest time alone, that'd be much appreciated.

Thank you for reading, Warriors! *offers fluffy blankets, stuffed animals, lemonade, pretzels, and gentle, painless hugs for anyone who wants them* Your attention is much appreciated.