"My Brain Needs A Break" Disguised As a Legit Post (You Couldn't Tell, Could You?)

I tried to start a "normal" post. I tried to work today, but I got half of a mental health post typed up and couldn't finish. I tried to start reading my next book and got a few words of notes down for the review, but I've ended up sitting here, staring off into space anyway.

I'm not sure if I'll remember that I even wrote this. It's like I can feel the dissociation slowly taking my hands off the "controls" of my body. I'm not the one in charge anymore. I'm not really present, but I am. I feel not like myself but I am and honestly it really sucks. I'm not sure who I am right now.

I feel the placid expression on my face. I think everyone thinks I'm okay. It's like this a lot, honestly. I'm kinda never okay, but I say I am. I don't like talking about it. I don't want them to see it, I don't want more doctors, I don't want more "treatment" that just leaves me scarred and more broken than before.

You're crazy.

"You need more help."

More meds, more therapy, more people staring at me, inspecting me like I'm an experiment. I'm tired. That's what I tell myself I am. I lay my head on my arms for a moment and just let the thoughts in my mind and I close my eyes, wondering how long the oblivion would last if I could fall asleep for a bit.

I don't know if I'm physically tired or emotionally or mentally tired. I'm just tired. So I sit down here and I try to write but I only have the energy to shove myself so far.

Truth is, I'm kinda not okay right now. But I managed this much. This may as well be an apology post. I tried; I just didn't quite manage what I tried to do. Maybe tomorrow I'll get a little bit more onto the blank blog post page.

***

Don't mind me, I'm just

Broken in side. Just enough

For me to feel miserable

But little enough for you not to see.

I'm sure I'd be great at acting

Be the best person out there

Smiling every day so they don't

See the tears I cry in the dark

"Are you okay?" But of course

I'm doing just fine. Nothing happened

No one broke me, I don't feel at war

With myself, with everyone else, alone.

I'm my only ally and yet I'm my enemy

I try my best but only succeed never

When it doesn't matter, when it's not worth mentioning

So I'll just sit down for a moment and rest

I'm sorry I didn't manage to win today

I tried, but the enemies were a bit too much

This battlefield is large and my legs too weak

I cannot carry myself today. It's time for a break