Silence stretched between us as she looked at me, her eyes filled with sadness that hadn't been there only moments before. "So," her voice was soft, "those aren't from your dog."
I looked down at my legs, at the scars that lined them like claw-marks. Biting my lip, a whisper escaped me. "No."
"Oh, honey..."
I managed a wobbly smile, a brave smile, one that was the furthest from heartfelt as it could be. "I tried." The words felt hollow.
What did you try to do? Did you try not to cut yourself? Did you try not to think about it? Or did you try not to tell anyone, because you knew you'd failed them? Did you try not to tell them because you know it'd hurt them? Did you try to pretend that you didn't think you were worth the cutting? Did you try to tell yourself that you're worth more than this?
Did you try to believe what people told you when they tried to dissuade you?
"I know you did." Her voice was soft as she offered a hug. "You've been fighting so hard."
But have I? What if I haven't been? How many times have I "tried" but just laid there, not doing a single thing?
Silently, I nodded.
Her arms wrapped around me and I felt my shoulders curve in, pressing against her body as they shook with silent sobs.
"I couldn't do it anymore. I broke. I failed." As though it was mimicking the words, my voice cracked.
"But you tried." Her soothing words were like a band-aid on a torn muscle; they did nothing to help.
"It wasn't enough." I wasn't enough. Nothing is ever enough.
The familiar wave of nothingness washed over me, drying my tears and emptying me of all the hurting feelings.
"You fought. That's enough for me." Her arms tightened around me. "There's a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't see it."
My eyes closed. "I can't see it. What if it's a dead-end?"
"There may be a curve, but there's always a light. And when another train hits you hard, you have to remember, 'the train had to come from somewhere.'"
***
Sara, We Three
Estimated Time of Memory: December 2021
Genre: Pop
Potential Triggers: Self-harm (cutting), Smoking, Drinking, Suicide, Cursing,
Favorite Lyric: "People think she's complicated, but never wanna look inside... She's just looking for her angels, but they're a little hard to find."