Song #11 - "Leave My Casket Open...," Arrested Youth

I missed him.

177 days since he'd been gone. They'd keep ticking.

He'd never be back.

Laying on my back in bed, I stared at the ceiling, emptiness crushing me and tears pricking my eyes.

Don't break. Don't break. He's gone. You know this. Keep it together.

177 days.

One sob rose in my throat and I rolled over, smashing my face into my pillow and letting out a small whimper—an aching squeak that held all the agony my body was trying to suppress.

I reached for my phone and, with shaking hands, scrolled through my playlists, looking for one in particular. It only took me a few swipes to find it.

To Cope With a Loss. 5 songs. 16 minutes and 29 seconds.

Hitting play, I put my phone down, burying my face in my pillow again as the tears burned my eyes. Slowly, one by one, they seeped out.

"...he didn't have the words to fight back."

"No one heard him when he left."

The floodgates opened, bittersweet relief washing over me as my whole body shook with aching sobs. The hole in my chest seemed to grow as memories flashed through my mind.

177 days. I miss you I miss you I miss you.

"All of the things we said to you. Who knew we'd be the death of you? I wish I was a friend to you. I'm sorry."

Depression crept in, stroking my back almost comfortingly. Numbing me from the inside out.

Sobs still shook my body but the tears began to feel cold, sticking to my tear-coated cheeks and stalling. Waiting.

Are you done yet?

With the thought, a fresh wave of tears wracked my body. It should've been me. He had so much ahead of him. I was the one they were scared of committing—of... of... of doing it.

It. That's all I could call it anymore.

"When I pass, leave my casket open. And send it out to the ocean. I wanna feel alive with the motion..."

Swallowing hard, I hugged my pillow close, curling up into a ball.

I miss you. 177 days and I never stop missing you.

I opened my phone and scrolled through the conversations we'd had. "I love you." The choked whisper never made it out of my throat, but it tried its best to silently replace the 'I miss you's.'

"I love you. I love you. I love you."

And I knew that he might not hear me, I knew that he might be gone, but I could do one thing. I could do one measly thing.

I could remember that I had always loved him.

"I love you. 177 days. And I still love you."

***

Leave My Casket Open..., Arrested Youth

Estimated Time of Memory: Recurring

Genre: Alternative

Potential Triggers: Suicide, Death,

Favorite Lyric: "I just wanna feel alive with the motion."