Song #14 - "this is growing up," almost monday

There's a difference between growing up and feeling grown up. And somewhere between the two is finding yourself—figuring out who you are.

I'm almost seventeen and I still don't know what I'm doing. College applications pile up on my desk, senior year classes hang over my head with their never-ending deadlines, familial pressure, and people asking, "what do you want to do when you grow up?"

I never know what I'm doing.

But there's a thing about growing up. You stand up and you keep pushing through it, you try your best and if you don't manage to do things right the first time, you remember that it's unnecessary to be perfect. People have gotten through life without college, without steady jobs, without friends to support them, etc.

I can too.

"This is growing up. And I find myself again, coming back to play pretend. It's so easy to be young. But I'm changing, this is growing up."

I stand from my desk and just reach my arms up, stretching. But I linger there, wondering if I could reach my dreams like my tall form can reach the ceiling. Fingers glance over white paint like five-limbed spiders before they fall as I stare off into space.

Can I really do this?

In my pocket, my phone buzzes with another notification, just another college email. "We want you!" But do they? No. It's advertising.

All the thoughts in my mind, all the days when I'm weak, when I feel like I can't work, when I literally can't work... will I be able to do it? Can I be a normal person for long enough to go to college?

All my life I've been homeschooled. I had deadlines, but they were more flexible. This year, with some college classes, has been the hardest thing I've ever done.

"They don't tell you how to become a man. With stars in your eyes and nothing in your hands. Heart's been broken two-hundred forty times..."

Drawing my shoulders back, I look at the door and approach it, settling my hand on it as a brave smile crosses my face.

I've got this. I can do this. "It's so easy to be young, but I'm changing, this is growing up."

Little by little, my smile became less fake and I turned the doorknob.

I've got this.

***

this is growing up, almost monday

Estimated Time of Memory: Early Fall 2022

Genre: Pop

Potential Triggers: None

Favorite Lyric: "Careful what you say, it's hard to take it back. Remember what you learned when you were three feet high, Mother told you why and now it makes you cry."