Song #16 - "forever fifteen," MOTHICA

TRIGGER WARNING: PROCEED WITH CAUTION

This song is one that I refuse to write a short story for. Because even though it changed my life, it wasn't pretty. It wasn't pretty when I stood in front of my bedroom mirror, looking into my hollow eyes, wishing for some spark of life to show me that I was alive inside. It wasn't pretty when all I saw was emptiness within me.

It wasn't pretty when I took the scissors with the intent to end my life.

No, but the song is pretty. The tune is pretty. It's about suicide, and you know what?

This song was the one that kept me alive.

I was fifteen, at my wits end, and I thought that I had no choice, but the truth is that you do. You always have a choice. You have the choice to believe, despite the darkness. Because there's a light at the end of every tunnel. Someone's going to be that light for you, but maybe they're not ready just yet. You need to hold on for them. I know it's hard, I've been there.

The truth is that I've put the scissors on my arm many times with the intent to end it all, but I couldn't push. I couldn't end it. And now I'm glad I never did. Because two years later, nothing has changed and yet everything has.

I'm still in pain, but I have a life. I have friends who would give nearly anything to keep me with them today.

So for today, I give you this song and I tell you this: This isn't the only way out of this.

How did I get through feeling like I wanted to die? Well, that's a story for another day. But I'll tell you this much.

When I couldn't live for myself, I lived for my friends.

When I couldn't live for my friends, I lived for the hope that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

And when there wasn't a life at the end of the tunnel, I clung to the knowledge that there wouldn't be so many people alive if there wasn't something worth living for.

You just need to find it.

I promise.

***

forever fifteen, MOTHICA

Estimated Time of Memory: N/A

Genre: Pop Rock

Potential Triggers: Suicide, Drinking, Bars,

Favorite Lyric: "I can't take it, all the damage done. Wanna sink into oblivion. Could be anything or anyone. Anyone at all."