I could feel the tears in my eyes, heavy against my eyelids as I fought to keep them in. You're fine, you're fine. I wasn't fine and I knew it, but telling myself the words provided some semblance of control.
My phone next to me quietly played music as I laid in bed, the rest of the house silent as a house should be at midnight.
"I'm okay," I whispered. When I heard the crack in my voice, my eyes closed tightly, a single tear leaking out of the corner of my eye. It dribbled slowly down my face, so slowly that it itched, but I didn't move.
The silence stretched further, my chest aching with loneliness and my mind sharing the pain it'd been subjected to through the whole night.
Worthless. You can't stop yourself from crying.
My shoulders heaved and I pressed my hand against my mouth, trying to stifle a sob. No more tears leaked free, even as my drive to keep them inside shattered.
Maybe if you tried to cry, you could redeem yourself. But you can't cry right either.
Everything inside me felt like it was shattering, fracturing and stabbing my insides with its sharp edges. Bleeding pricks that I could've prevented if I'd just done better—if I could just handle a little bit more.
Weak. Worthless.
In the background, my phone continued playing music, the instruments only serving to meld with my pain instead of come alongside me to fight through it. Not for the first time, one of my coping methods turned on me.
As the song slowly changed and just one more tear leaked out, I curled up into a ball, pulling one of my stuffed animals next to me and trying to imagine it just hugging me tightly—not as a stuffed animal, but as a person.
A new song started but I tuned it out, chest heaving as panic decided to storm me, all my walls having fallen.
Collapsing. That's all that was happening. Collapsing until I had no more left and fell asleep, only to start yet another day of pain.
"Stop." My choked whisper did nothing to fill the darkness of my room, much less fight the words in my head. I pressed my face against my pillow, stilling as I heard my phone get a bit louder.
"And I heard you crying, so quietly. And I heard you crying, won't you cry on me. Oh, let me just hold you now all your life. Oh, and I heard you crying, so quietly, last night."
One more tear seeped out of my eye, then another, as I collapsed the very last bit, the music returning to my side and holding me as I fell further into brokenness.
"Sleep by me, this love I see shouldn't weep. Just be safe, be brave. Sweet you dream, though the night may seem so cold. Be bold for me."
As the tension in my shoulders melted away and tear after tear slipped out, I felt my body sink deeper into the blankets. My chest ached as sobs shook my body, but I refused to let any sound be heard.
Sleep. It sounded good—appealing; it sounded like an escape from the ache and the crying, the collapsing.
"...I heard you crying, so quietly, last night."
And maybe one day, that'll be true.
***
Heard You Crying, Michael Schulte
Estimated Time of Memory: Recurring
Genre: Alternative/Pop
Potential Triggers: None
Favorite Song Lyric: "Sleep by me, this love I see shouldn't weep. Just be safe, be brave. Sweet you dream, though the night may seem so cold. Be bold for me."