The room is full, teenagers everywhere. People my age, laughing and embracing, having a good time because it’s the holiday season and that’s just what people do.
I stand on the outside, watching everyone, trying to resist the pressure building inside of me, the urge to run and hide, to cry. Panicked thoughts start to taunt me, pressing in. I backed away from the group more, pressing myself against the wall.
You’ll never manage to fit in. You never have.
Your friends never stay.
You’ll never have what they have.
The small groups of people talked happily with each other, everyone so busy with each other that they didn’t really seem to notice me. A part of me wanted to slide onto the floor and just sit but I knew from past experience that when someone sat on the floor, people approached them. When people stood on the side of the room, people tended to just glance over them.
The life of a wallflower: knowing exactly where to stand and how to stand in order to not get noticed. The goal of the game was to just survive the outing and flee as soon as you could. And when people asked you how it was, you say, “good,” and leave asap.
As two girls embraced, I found myself watching them, noticing how one of them looked a bit like me. Curly hair and slender build.
I wish I had that. A familiar pang of loneliness filled me, but I forced myself to look away and ignore it. But that’s just something I’ll never have.
***
Hello My Loneliness, Delaney Jane & Call Me Karizma
Estimated Time of Memory: recurring
Genre: Techno/Pop
Potential Triggers: Loneliness
Favorite Lyrics: "You only come out when I'm lonely. Well, maybe this time get to know me."