They want to talk to me. Me!
The exhilaration of being chosen over someone else was one that I didn’t know how to handle. It wanted to explode out of me in a series of happy squeaks and wiggles but I knew from experience that my ways of expressing happiness wasn’t “socially acceptable.” If I let myself be me, they’d run off again.
They smiled at me and my mind spun, words disappearing as I just felt all my lost hopes returning.
“Hi.” My shy and quiet reply was simple, nervous and shaky. Conversation skills weren’t exactly something I was known for.
“Hey, want to join us over there?” The girl who spoke gestured across the room to a rather large group and I felt the hope from a moment before fall into my stomach like a stone.
So many people…
My whole body stiffened, but I forced myself to smile. Don’t lose them. This is your only chance. They see you. Very few people often saw me.
“Sure.”
Dazedly, I followed them into the group, but the noises surrounded me like a heavy, staticky blanket, overwhelming and overloading me almost instantaneously. I felt myself starting to shut down, disconnecting as the rest of my body went on autonomously, faking it as I’d learned how to do.
I didn’t speak and nobody spoke to me. And I’d learned long ago that the best way to navigate social situations was to not speak unless I was spoken to. But maybe someday, maybe someday, I’d find my place.
Just keep trying. You’ll get there someday. Someday, you will find a place for you.
***
Little Girl, Faith Marie
Estimated Time of Memory: recurring
Genre: Pop
Potential Triggers: None
Favorite Lyric: "I don't have to think this body of mine is a prison. You don't control me! I just gotta find the light switch..."