"The Last Time We Say Goodbye," by Cynthia Hand

Genre: Fiction/Contemporary/Slice-of-Life

Page Count: 375+

Published: 2015 (HarperTeen)

Potential Triggers: Suicide, Death, Divorce, Overdose, Smoking,

Mental Health Topics: Depression, Suicide, Panic Attacks,

Where do I start... where do I even start...

When I opened this book up, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to read through the whole thing, much less write a review on it. There are so many triggers that I knew this book held that I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to get through, but slowly, I did, and... oh my goodness, what a good book.

The story opens with Lex, the main character, who is going through her new normal now that her brother is gone. Her mom is crying again and she's just numb, thinking of Ty and knowing that he's the reason behind it. And he's the one who's gone irreversibly. Forever.

As you read the story, it unfolds with present scenes and scattered diary entries that Lex wrote, trying to piece together the summary of everything she's going through: the emotions, the memories, the wishes, present life and how it ties into it all, the good and the bad and everything in between that's relevant.

Something that is addressed in the book, that I thought was interesting, was therapists. There is a therapist in the book and the viewpoint of him changes throughout the story in a way that reminded me of my own journey with my second therapist. I did appreciate that, though for people who have had bad experiences with therapists, it most likely wouldn't ring true at the end.

Now... the actual story. Goodness gracious help me before I just melt remembering it all. There's the ups and the downs, there's the dark and heavy bits but there's also the hint of humor here and there. There's a spark of hope even in the darkest of the pages. I could not look away. One of my friends had to tell me to put it down one day because I could not get myself to put it down and I needed to stop. I was just wrapped in the story. Everything was so heartfelt and the raw experience through the pages was almost tangible and I absolutely adored that.

I'll admit, I had slightly ulterior motives for being so enraptured in the story. I've had my own share of loss over my lifetime and I wanted to see how someone else would handle it. But from my greatly biased point of view, I loved it and it helped. It helped just as much as it slightly hurt, the way the truth kinda hurts when someone finally puts it into words. Because Cynthia Hand put into words all the things that I couldn't say.

That said, this book was really dark, really heavy. There is nothing "easy" about this book. It's straight on about death. Death, death, depression and suicide, blood and swirling emotions and desperate hopes. There's no lighthearted way to describe this book. Does that make it a bad book? Absolutely not, but it's not a light read. It's not a "hmm, I have a few hours this afternoon, maybe I'll just read a few pages." I would read a few pages and get up and walk away and I couldn't stop thinking about it. My mind was right there, ensnared in the emotions and the plot and the words that managed to be poetic despite their occasionally sharp edges.

I've read a number of Cynthia Hand's books and I think this one is honestly my favorite of hers. Which is saying something because I was obsessed with her past books. This one I actually hadn't read before reading it to write this review, so I'm rather impressed by how much I liked it when reading it from a more analytical angle.

I think the only real "con" to this book is how heavy it is. If a person isn't prepared for something that incredibly deep and hard-hitting when they pick up this book, it's gonna be really hard to get through.

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As always, special thanks to my sister for the help arranging the photo for this review. <3