Trigger Warnings: Eating Disorder, Self Harm,
I'm sick.
I know this to be true, I tell myself it every day. I tell myself, "change, change, you have to get out of this. You have to get well." But every day I spiral deeper, deeper, starving myself, cutting myself, whatever it takes to feel okay, if only just for a moment. If only to give myself hope that there's actually relief somewhere.
But there's a burden in finding it in the wrong places.
There's a burden behind lying, pretending I've eaten when I haven't. There's a weight on my shoulders as I watch myself bleed, blood dribbling out of fresh cuts. There's a heaviness in my heart as I realize that I've failed again—that I've tripped up and fallen to the urges.
I wonder, sometimes, is there anyone going to catch me? My God, is He there?
I think about the time Jesus said, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" I think to myself: has he forsaken me too? Am I but lost, adrift in the sea of my own sins and despair?
Sometimes I tell myself I'm lost, that there's no hope for me and that there never was. Because sometimes, sometimes it seems true. I search desperately for some cure that never comes and collapse when I don't see a thing.
People tell me, "You're beautiful."
They say that I'm kind.
They say I'm stronger than I think.
But does that even matter if I collapse at every turn? Does beauty matter if you can't see it through the darkness? Is kindness worth anything when you're surrounded by monsters? None of that breaks the darkest night and turns it into day, so why should it matter? Why should any of this matter?
I'm tired of food being tasteless, I'm tired of the push and pull of me spiraling and people failing to help me. I'm tired of the lectures. I'm just tired.
Someday, I'm going to let go.
But I suppose... I suppose I can keep trying for one more day, can't I? One day at a time is what's gotten me this far, and even though I fall a lot, there are things that I don't fail at. There are things I still fight, despite the odds. There are moments I show my strength.
So I guess... I'll ask this and hope for an answer from the void: Are you like me at all? Do I even make sense?
I hope there's someone out there who can relate. Keep fighting, Warrior. I want to meet you someday.
- Anonymous Warrior -