Trigger Warning: Potentially graphic description of eating disorder/thoughts related to eating disorder
Scene: Two individuals are standing in the same room, silently facing each other with steely gazes, not kind by any means but not necessarily unkind either. Tentative, calculating, one filling the room with it's ego as the other fills it with its racing thoughts. They shall be named Thing 1 and Thing 2.
Thing 1: "Come on, I'm so tired. I'm tired of the chills, the aching in our stomach, and your determination to never give in. What are we giving in to, anyways? To ourselves and the demands of our body? We're one human, together. We need food. This should be okay."
Thing 2: "It's not."
Thing 1: "But please... we're hungry. Maybe just a bite or two? A small bowl of something?"
Thing 2: "Just a taste, then spit it back out."
Thing 1: "But we need sustenance. We need food. Calories... calories are good.
Thing 2: [expression darkens] "Don't say the C-word. Then you'll have to count. Do you want to count? We can go lower, you know."
They stood there for a moment, seemingly at an impasse, but Thing 1 finally slumped.
Thing 1: "No... no, we don't have to count. It's okay. Just a few bites. It doesn't have to be much."
Thing 2: [flatly] "It'll make us fat."
Thing 1: [entreatingly] "Come on, one bite isn't going to make us—"
Thing 2: [in a raised voice] "Fat. Fat, fat, fat. They'll hate us even more than they already do. Do you want more mockery? Our moderately-thin status is the only thing that keeps us in slightly-good graces."
Thing 1: "Oh, come on. They're not that shallow."
Thing 2: "The world demands no eating if you want to be good. A good subject, fitting of the world as it is in today's day and age."
Thing 1: "But we'd be being good by eating." [desperate]
Thing 2: [crosses arms] "So you think."
Thing 1: [crosses arms back, trying to stand firm] "So I know. We need calories to live. Do you want to die?"
Thing 2: [flippantly] "We won't die. We'll cave before that happens."
Thing 1: "And if we don't?"
Thing 2: "Then we probably deserved it."
Thing 1: [starts silently crying]
Thing 2: [sits there and doesn't make their body eat]
THE END
***
This is something that I wrote out because it's something that I have to go through every day to some extent. Some days are easier, but it's always a battle between voices in my mind when it comes down to whether or not I'll eat. Sometimes I do, but most times I succumb and skip at least one meal. But the point is, if you relate to this, you are not alone. Keep fighting! You're doing amazing out there, Warrior. I'm rooting for you. And most importantly, surround yourself with good friends who build up your Thing 1, because it needs a little help from time to time. Reminders to eat are great, as are gentle pushes such as setting a bit of food in front of the person and eating with them. Remember that each person is different, but all-in-all, we're usually trying our best to get by.
Thanks for reading, Warriors. You've got this. <3
- One Hopeful Anonymous Tadpole -