TW: mentions suicidal ideation/suicide note/suicide attempt
When I found the suicide note I'd written when I was only thirteen, tears began to well in my eyes. My heart sank, it brought me back to that exact day: sitting in my room, wanting to give up, feeling hopeless and scared, feeling like I wasn't good enough, and that I never was going to be. I didn't think I had a reason to be alive anymore. I couldn't handle the fact that the future was unknown, I didn't think I would make it past the pain. I remember feeling like my life was falling apart—feeling like no one cared. I felt like I should end my life; I felt like that was my only option.
At only thirteen, I wanted to die.
At only thirteen I didn't think my life was worth living
At only thirteen, I was struggling to the point where I thought my only way out was ending my life.
the thoughts just kept coming back- never feeling like they would be gone for good
I couldn't bear to think about fighting through another day. I couldn't bear to think of feeling that pain over and over again. I wanted to be strong, but I felt like I had nothing left. It brings me back to feeling empty and weak, but the truth is it gives me hope.
Two and a half years ago, I thought I was going to end my life.
11 months ago, I tried to end my life.
Just last week, I thought about ending my life.
But we are still here now. We made it through those thoughts once, and we can make it through them again. And if we do have those thoughts again, we can remind ourselves of that letter. Not that I wanted to do it, but that I didn't. That I didn't give up then and I'm not going to now. We will remember how far we have come and think about the things we would have missed. I'll think about what it would mean if I let depression win—if I left so soon.
After all, we are stronger now. we can't give up. My fight is not over. Our fight is not over And reading that note, I realized how strong I am, how strong I've had to be, and how much courage it takes to keep going. and if you start to feel alone, or like you just want to give up, remember how much you have made it through, maybe it doesn't feel worth it. I promise that it is.
And I realized that I'm not alone.