Things Never To Say To A Neurodivergent

There are a lot of things that people say to neurodivergents, sometimes thinking that it's the right thing to say, but actually they're mostly really hurtful. Here's a list of the ones I've come across the most (and a short explanation as to why they hurt so much). {I've also sorted it by which mental health issue these usually apply to, but keep in mind that they can cross those lines.}

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Attention Deficit Disorder, inattentive and hyperactive types (ADHD)

"We know you're smart" - This one should be a bit self-explanatory. Saying this implies that the person isn't acting smart, but things aren't as simple as that. ADHD-ers of both types have so much that they have to push past to get a single thing done. There's the inability to focus, executive dysfunction, the struggle to learn for many people, struggling to read for perhaps others... do any of these mean they aren't smart? No. They're trying, but perhaps they aren't managing to do what they're trying so hard to do and then they get told this. That hurts because they're doing their best and it's implied that they're dumb or are being dumb because they can't manage this.

"You're way too smart for this" - "You're way too smart to..." Not be able to do the task, misunderstand the instructions that were given to you, get distracted halfway through and end up doing something else entirely. Do any of these mean the person isn't smart? No. "You're way too smart to..." Sit on your butt all day, doing nothing productive as you internally scream at yourself to just get up and move, even if you can't do the task. "You can do this. You can control your body. Stop being an idiot. You've got this." That is the worst way to try to push someone to do something. You have no idea what's happening inside of their head. Please don't tell them that they're too smart to fail at things, because that happens to everyone at one point or another.

"Why aren't you working up to your full potential?" - How about we rephrase this one a little bit to just see how it can come across. "Why aren't you trying to be who we want you to be? Who we think you should be? Why aren't you being who you could be? Why are you stuck as who you are right now?" You aren't enough. This one hits hard and it hurts so much. How many times and in how many different ways can one person be told that they aren't enough because of one disability? One of the hardest things about neurodivergence is people see their neurotypical potential but don't factor in the fact that maybe they're not working towards that. Forget "full potential" in relation to the person talking here. Everyone has so much potential, but nobody gets to define what that potential is except for the person who has it. They can throw it away or make the most of it, but this kind of comment is out of line.

Anxiety (of any kind)

"Just calm down" - I've mentioned this already in a previous blog post (Anxiety 101: Situational and Disordered Anxiety), but this one really hits hard because if the person could calm down, don't you think they already would have? If they're hyperventilating because of a panic/anxiety attack and they're struggling to keep it together, how much help do you think saying "just calm down" actually does? It usually makes things worse, actually, because there's now more pressure to keep it together but you're barely managing to.

"You seem perfectly fine to me" - One major thing about anxiety is it can be internalized rather than externalized, meaning that the person may seem fine on the outside but they're actually dying on the inside. It's like someone being able to push past the pain but being expected to function as if the pain isn't there. It doesn't quite work and the person who's struggling feels like it's all their fault or like their suffering means nothing. Which, for the record, that is not true.

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

"You don't look autistic" - Autistics have a habit of masking because society is quite cruel to them. They have to fake facial expressions, pretend they're fine, pretend that they don't feel themselves falling apart on the inside as their functioning plummets because everything is too much. But if they don't look it on the outside, they're apparently fine? That's what we often take that to mean. "You don't look like you have issues, so what's wrong with you?" Autistics don't have autism—it's a part of who we are. We aren't ever going to grow out of it, we aren't ever going to suddenly become neurotypical. So do we not look like ourselves? Who are they to say that? They don't really know us to an extent where they can say that.

"I never would've guessed because it seems like nothing is wrong with you" - If the last one hurt, this one might as well be the knock-out punch. With this one, not only do you get the effects and feelings of the last one, but it also implies that being autistic is wrong. Autism isn't a problem. Yes, it hurts; yes, it makes it hard for us to function. Does that make us any less a person? Does that make us horrible for being born the way we were? No. But the fact that autism is so stigmatized and everyone seems to think of it as a curse, as something that means you will never live a full life, makes this one hit hard. Autistics hear things about themselves and about those like them and we don't forget. "Nothing is wrong with you." That's right. Nothing is wrong with us. But this statement implies that something is since we're autistic.

Depression (of any kind)

"You don't look depressed" - As with autistics, many people with depression mask it—they cover it up because people make comments like the ones below this. Those who are the most depressed often are the best at hiding it (there is a reason for this that I'll go over in a different blog post). What if the person you told doesn't look depressed had been contemplating some bad ideas recently? What if they were really close to the edge and you dismiss all their internalized pain without actually trying to see what was going on inside of them? What if your comment—a comment along the lines of the example—was the one that finally pushed them over the edge, and it was all because you didn't know that they were hiding it?

"Look on the bright side" - I absolutely hate being told this. "Think positive," "love yourself," "work on being more optimistic." I've lost the ability to count how many times I've been told something like this and at the beginning, I tried, but I failed at being optimistic. The thoughts in my mind didn't disappear; the feelings didn't diminish. I failed at doing what they told me to do and ended up slipping further. It's not good to dwell in your depression, correct, but you can't just tell someone to be the polar opposite of how they feel. That makes nothing better.

"Stop being so pessimistic" - This one is only slightly less terrible than the last one. It's not expecting you to change your ways to the exact opposite of how you're being at the moment, but it's still telling you not to think the way you're thinking. If we could stop our thoughts, we'd have so many less problems than we do. Those with depression may feel like they enjoy the dark thoughts sometimes, but we often really don't. If we could escape the thoughts—escape ourselves—we usually would.

Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD)

"Stop being so picky" - One thing about sensory issues is that we don't choose them. We don't choose to be hypersensitive. We don't choose the pain things can cause. It gets rather sickening when people just assume that we're trying to be insufferable and force us to keep dealing with it when it literally hurts.

"Stop touching everything" - Just like the last one, we also don't choose to be hyposensitive. When they need the touch input, they need the touch input. Yes, they're touching everything, but don't just tell them to stop—don't push them into a corner and punish them because they can't stop what they're being told they need. If you want them to stop, give them another way of getting the sensory input they're looking for.

"But you seem totally fine with it" - Here's a question. Why do you think we're acting like we're fine with it? If we tolerated a hug from someone and then admitted later on that you didn't like hugs, what would someone guess? Perhaps that you were trying not to be rude, that you didn't want your parent or another adult to get upset with you for not just "dealing with it." When a person is forced time and time again to endure their pain in silence, they slowly get better and better at pretending they're fine with it. That doesn't change the truth.

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Now that you've read this long ramble, I'll try to spare you from much more of my talking. Please remember though that this is by no means all the things that you should not say to various neurodivergents. If you aren't sure if you should say something, the classic tactic of asking yourself "how would I feel if someone said this to me" may help. We're all going to slip up, but I'm hoping with this new knowledge, you'll be more aware of what you say in terms of our mental health and how you say it.

You've got this. Just try your best and know that there are forgiving people out there when it comes to this. Many of us are unfortunately used to it and if a person is genuinely trying not to hurt us, knowing that usually makes it hurt less.