I smile because honestly, I don't know what else to do
I want to be the happy, free, careless person I used to be
I want my younger self
I want back the person whose anxiety didn't hold them hostage
I want back the person who wasn't afraid to stand up for themself
But I can't get them back
I can't change the past
No one can
I can't protect the little kid that was used
The kid that was left scared and hating their body
They were so young
No one can take away the trauma that they went through
But what I can do is try and recover
But I can't do it alone.
I need help
I need help
To try and regain my confidence
Try to stop feeling ashamed
I can’t stop thinking it's my fault
I can't stop thinking that I did something wrong
Did I do something to deserve all this?
What happened that changed everything?
Why didn't I protect myself more?
Why didn't I fight back?
Because I couldn't.
Why didn't I run when the devil was chasing me?
Why was I the one being chased?
Why did I have to face the consequences?
For his actions
He broke my trust
And who knows if he will ever get it back
Will glue fix the trust that he broke?
It won’t
But the people who love me will help me heal
He hurt me
But why?
What did I do?
I know now
That it wasn’t my fault
It wasn’t my fault
Sometimes I need to remind myself that:
It wasn’t my fault.
But why did everyone have to go changing on me?
Weren't things okay the way they were before?
Was it me who changed?
I changed because I had to.
I changed because I was scared.
I changed because that was the only way I could cope
How else was I supposed to protect myself?
Protect myself from the person that was supposed to protect me.
He betrayed me.
He betrayed me.
I pretend it doesn't hurt.
I pretend it doesn't break me.
But it does
And I hate it
It keeps me up at night.
It haunts my dreams
Does he know what he did?
Does he know what he put me through?
The thoughts leave me tossing and turning.
Unable to feel a sense of calm
Unable to stop
Wondering why.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
No one really knows why
I don't think he even knows why.
And even if he did
I wouldn’t have the words to ask him
I wouldn’t have the strength
Or the courage
to try and understand.
I mean;
Do I really want to?
If I knew, would it stop eating me up inside?
Would the pain linger?
Or would it fade?
Would I stop feeling so afraid?
Would the memories stop swirling through my head?
The vision of me trying to fight back
Even though I knew how weak I was.
Even though I knew I couldn't protect myself
The vision of me trying to scream
But no sound is coming out
Swirling in my head
Fear and shock consuming me
So bad
That I couldn't even scream
I couldn’t even scream one word
One word
Four letters
Yet so much power
S t o p
If I was able to force that word out of my mouth
Would he have actually listened?
Would it be different?
I'm not sure how I feel,
About how ill never know
How do I feel?
How do I feel?
How do I feel?
Now that the past,
Is in the past.
How do I feel?
Knowing
That the future,
Remains a mystery.
Knowing that it remains unknown
I would be on edge if I knew
So maybe it's best that I don’t
Maybe it's best if I just focus on the now.
Author's Note:
I wrote this poem several years after I went through something really emotional and traumatizing that no one, especially not a child, should have had to go through. I hope this inspires you and helps you feel like you're not alone.